Bali: The Prolouge

So I went to Bali last week.

Hmmm, before I get too far into this story, I should start out by talking about The B.O.M.B.

Hmmmm, maybe before I get too far into that, I should talk about THE EAR.

Okay, well start with THE EAR, but Ill keep it short, this one's not too interesting.

In January I got an ear infection. Swimmer's Ear. Those of you who have been swimmers definitely know what this is; for all you others, its a huge fucking painful ear infection that you get from having water in yer ears too much. Bacteria have a little fiesta in yer ear canal, and it's a bummer. Anyways, I got one of these in January, went to the Doctor, got eardrops, and figured that was that.

But this is Saipan, and these are no ordinary Bacteria.

I dont know if it's because it's so humid here, or maybe because of the crazy tropical bacteria in general, or maybe the Spam that everybody eats all the time, but Bacteria here don't fuck around.

To cut the story short, I had the infection for two and a half months. I was on all sorts of antibiotics and nothing seemed to work. Around three weeks ago, I got an appointment to see the ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) specialist at the hospital. I was really anxious to see this dude, as I was going to Bali in two weeks, and playing in water was definitely on my agenda for Bali. I had to go to Human Resources to get a ride to the hospital, and while I was sitting in the waiting area, this guy Cole came in.

Cole: "What's up, Robin?"

Robin: "What?"

Cole: "I SAID, WHAT'S UP, ROBIN!"

Robin: "Ear infection. Can't hear too well."

Cole: "Oh man, that sucks."

Robin: "Yeah, Ive had it for like two months."

Cole: " Dude, there was this Clubmate who worked here a few years ago and had an ear infection for a few months. Dude was a dumbass and just thought he could ride it out and just put some alcohol in there every now and then, and it just got worse and worse. When he finally went in to the Doctor, and they took a look in his ear, there were like worms in there like eating at the inside of his ear."

Robin: (horrified silence).

Cole: "Alright, see you later, man."

Robin: "...gasp...see you Cole."

Cole: "Oh, one more thing, man."

Robin: "Yeah?"

Cole: "Was it really necessary to put this whole conversation in quotes like this? I mean, couldn't the message have been conveyed by just writing that I mentioned the worms thing?"

Robin "Hey man, don't ask me."

Cole: "But aren't you writing this right now?"

Robin: "Nah, that's me in a few weeks. Not me now."

Cole: "Well, I'm talking to the 'you' of right now, but this is being written by the 'you' of a few weeks from now."

Robin: "Yeah. Why don't you ask him?"

Cole: "Okay. Hey Robin from the Future?"

...Okay, my characters are talking to me. Didn't see that one coming.

Cole: "Robin?"

Ummmdo I like write back? Put myself in quotes?

Cole: "Nah, man, we can hear you fine."

...Oh...Ummm okay. What's up, Cole?

Cole: "Isn't this whole section kind of unnecessary? Like, wouldn't one sentence like 'so this guy Cole came in and told me a scary story about worms in some dudes' ear 'have been enough? I mean, aren't you trying to write a blog about Bali?"

Uh...yeah...I guess. I get easily sidetracked.

Cole: "No kidding, right Robin from the Present?"

Robin: "What?"

Cole: "I SAID NO KIDDING, RIGHT?"

Robin: "Sorry. Ear infection. Can't hear too well...right about what?"

Cole: "I was just talking about how Robin from the Future gets easily distracted."

Robin: "Oh. I didnt hear that part. I was playing with this string I found here."

Cole: "...Oh, that was lame."

Robin: "What?"

Cole: "I SAID, THAT WAS LAME."

Robin: "I heard you the first time, man. I mean, what was lame?"

Cole: "Robin from the Future set that whole part up so that you'd be playing with the string while I was talking to you, you know, cause he gets easily distracted, which means you do, too, as you're just him from two weeks prior."

Robin: "Are you saying you don't think this piece of string is pretty sweet?"

Cole: "Well, okay. That's some sweet string...hmmm....hey....hey Robin from the Future?"

Yeah?

Cole: "Could we have some laser guns or something?"

Ummm...I guess...but this isn't supposed to be a fictional blog.

Cole: "Oh, yeah, like it's stayed completely nonfiction. We're talking to a version of yourself from the FUTURE."

Oh...okay.

Robin: "Hey, my string just turned into a laser gun!"

Cole: "Hahaha! The world is our oyster!"

Robin: "Haha!"

Anyways, that's about what happened.

I went to the ENT, who was some heavily accented dude from Somewhere in Europe. He was totally proficient, though, and sucked all sorts of gross stuff out of my ear with a vacuum. He told me that my ear hadn't been infected for a long time, it was just totally irritated at me for all the antibiotics that I'd been unnecessarily putting in it for so long. God damn it but hey my ear is better I'm finally healthy again! Hooray! What's...what's that...on my butt?

The B.O.MB., otherwise known as Boils On My Butt.

I kid you not, the SAME DAY that I got rid of the pain in my ear, I grew a huge boil on my butt cheek. For the uninitiated, a boil is essentially a really, really bit zit. Let's just say in the ballpark of 4-6 times bigger than a zit. And I didnt just have one. Oh no. I had THREE.

Before we go any further with all of this, let me make one thing clear: I did not get the BOMB because I dont clean my butt cheeks. I shower every day, okay?! OKAY!?

Okay.

Anyways, the same merry band of Bacteria from my ear, bummed that the party had ended in my ear, made their merry little way down to my butt. The boils got bigger every day, and after four days, I was unable to sit without huge, fantastic amounts of pain, which was problematic, BECAUSE I'M A LIFEGUARD.

It was now only a few days before I was to fly to Bali, and I knew one thing: I needed to get these boils taken care of. Now.

On Friday, April 7, I went back to my friends at the Marianas Medical Clinic (not the ENT). I walked in, and the doctor happened to be standing in the waiting room. She saw me walk in and sighed. "Your ears' still not better," she said in a flat tone. She's also from Somewhere in Europe. I think France, judging from her accent and general disdain of everything.

"No, I said, It's...umm...something else.
"Oh." She said, "What's that?"
The whole waiting room full of people looked at me expectantly. I hesitated.
"It's...ummm...well...it's...I've got a...cough...boilonmybutt."
"What?"
"I've got a boil on my butt."

She laughed and took me into a back room. After showing her the boil, she told me to go into the 'procedure room,' and then left me there, because she needed 'help with this one.'

I spent a while wondering what that meant, then the doctor came back in, pulling on rubber gloves, followed by a Physicians Assistant, who was also pulling on gloves.

"Allright, lie down on your stomach," she said.

They closed the door, and I'm going to leave you guys out there, too.

Let's just say I can now cross off 'Have four hands in my butt cheeks at once' off my 'Things to Do Before I Die' List.

As we were walking out, she gave me a prescription for some (sigh) more antibiotics, and told me that she needed to see me on Monday, so she could pop 'em again. I told her that this wouldn't be possible, as I was leaving for Bali on Sunday the 9th. She considered this for a second, then goes,

Well, do you have a girlfriend?

(where was she going with this? No...no it couldn't be...I said No)

Well, do you have any friends who you are close enough with that they could

(AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE)

Needless to say, I told her that I was going to take my chances, and waddled back to work.

Sunday finally rolled around. We (my friends Amanda and Mandy, and my roommate John) worked a half-day, and then got off at noon. Our flight was at two thirty, but I needed to zip over to the hospital and get my 'butt drugs.'

(and now, a monent of silence for my use of the term, 'butt drugs.')

Anyways, we were getting a ride to the airport at one-fifteen.

I borrowed John's old beat-up van (The one I'm driving in the picture on my picture page) and drove to the only pharmacy open on Sundays: The hospital. The drive took me twenty minutes. It was Twelve Thirty. I waited in the slowest line POSSIBLE behind a lady WHO HAD FORGOTTEN HER PERSCRIPTION AND WAS STILL SOMEHOW SURE THAT SHE COULD STILL GET HER DRUGS MY GOD LADY IF YOU DONT GET OUT OF MY WAY I'LL REALLY GIVE YOU A REASON TO NEED DRUGS OH SORRY AM I HOSTILE I'M LATE FOR A FLIGHT AND OH YEAH HAVE THREE BOILS ON MY ASS!

But I just waited and finally got my drugs and got out of there at eleven fifty. I had twenty-five minutes to get back, pack (I had only just started packing) and then jump on the ride to the airport. The drive was going well enough...until I saw the lights flashing in my rearview mirror.