Monday, January 23, 2006

Things I've Learned in Saipan, Part I

1) Really, really dorky Russian teenagers LOVE mini golf.

They like playing by themselves, or with their families. Sometimes they like to tell the tennis/mini golf shack attendant (sometimes me) about playing live-action dungeons and dragons in castles in the russian countryside with their role-playing clubs, of which they are sometimes president.

2) sea cucumbers are not, in fact, dangerous. They do, however, squish rather grossly when you step on them.

3) Japanese tourists are the nicest, easiest to deal with, most polite, most eager just to have a good time, least afraid to make fools of themselves (and lord do they) tourists in the world. i love them.

4) Many Japanese and Korean parents seem to interpet

"lifeguards present"


"there are magical people present who can prevent your terribily small child WHO CAN NOT SWIM from drowning! In fact la la la yay they will wave their magical wands, and your child will simply FLOAT OVER THE FUCKING WATER JESUS IF YOUR KID CAN'T SWIM YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING THEM IN THE WATER YES, EVEN THE SHALLOW END IEEEEEEEEEEEEE."

Of course, that's a rough translation from the Japanese/Korean. Different language structure, you know.

5) Russians are by far the least fun group to deal with that we have here. They are probably most like American tourists in the world as the get really angry that most of the staff here doesn't speak Russian. They came to an American resort, on an American territory, that is closest to Japan, and they're mad that no-one speaks Russian? They also don't smile very much. Working here, we're supposed to say hi to guests when we walk by them.

Primarily based on our Russian clients, I made up a rule that there's a very special wedgie waiting for you at the gates of heaven if someone says hi to you and you don't A) say hi back B) smile c) wave D) raise your eyebrows E) OR EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU EXIST

Russian men (at least the ones we see here, which are i guess mainly the fat and rich ones) are also shaped like potatoes. These guys are huge, in the could-snap-you-like-a-twig way, but also have huge pot bellies that extend out just as far as their muscular chests. Hence, they look like potatoes.

Russians also hate tan lines more than anything. The women wear thongs, and not just the pretty ones, but also the like 250 pound ones that I WOULD PAY A THOUSAND DOLLARS TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD JUMPING UP AND DOWN UP AND DOWN OH WHY GOD ARE THEY JUMPING LIKE THAT

I also love Russian food. the dumplings are simply delicious.

6) I would like to offer an apology to every lifeguard who has ever lived who was lifeguarding a pool that I swam in when I was younger where I played the following game:

a) Let's See How Long We Can Hold Our Breath Underwater With Oh Our Arms Hanging At Our Sides So Jesus Christ It Looks Like I've Drowned Oh Robin Save Me Save Me Oh Oops, I'm Just Kidding Haha

or some variant of that game.

I have a heart attack every time, which can be quite embarrassing while I'm trying to look professional up there.